UNIVERSAL STAR

I woke up the other morning, had a cup of coffee and clicked on Kindleboards where a fun and disparate clan of self-pub writers swap stories and advice. I was feeling good about receiving my fifth favorable book review on Amazon. It's not a lot of reviews but it's still nice to receive a modicum of appreciation. I penned a happy post, receiving a few kind expressions of support in return. Shortly thereafter I checked my Amazon page and saw that my book had received yet another review. This was fantastic! Until I noticed that it was the bottom of the barrel one-star rating, guaranteed to send a happy morning straight into the toilet. Unless, there is a helpful lesson to be learned.

The person who bestowed this tasty treat (labeled “All over the place”) goes by Michael C. He's written literally hundreds of reader reviews for Amazon so I figured he must be a pretty dedicated fan of literature. I dove in with great interest – if he gave it the worst rating possible under the Amazon system then it would probably include some first-rate critical analysis. This would no doubt make me a better writer and isn't that what constructive criticism is all about? Curiously however, Michael hadn't actually read much of the book – he based his analysis on the free excerpt at the beginning. It was in his words, “too tiresome to bother.” I can understand where he's coming from. Sometimes I find things tiresome too. Sometimes, the tiresome nature of things sends me straight to a late morning nap.

After my nap, I considered the rest of Michael’s admittedly brief review, centering on the “grammar mistakes, run-on sentences and disjointing scenes.” I thought about this, about rules of grammar and proper sentence structure. Personally, I am A-okay with those who bend the rules. I also like artists who paint outside the lines and guitarists who distort their chords and cute kittens and warm coffee and long naps. I'm not sure I would have used the word 'disjointing' though. Disjointed with an “ed” at the end might have been more grammatically sound, unless you're describing the dis-assemblage of plumbing pipes or chicken legs. And look, it wasn't as if the review was all bad – he did note a glimmer of talent behind the fluff.

So what makes Michael run? I needed to explore, to resolve, to contemplate! Like Marlow in Heart of Darkness, I began churning up the serpentine river of reviews. I started with a few of the real slams – he'd bequeathed the dread one-star status to a handful of other novels within a 48 hour period. There was certainly some consistency – the man does not tolerate "long sentences or flowery writing" easily. One of his one-star critiques offered a refresher course on what makes Hemingway great – this as a framing device for why run-on sentences and big words suck so bad. I can understand where he's coming from. I like brevity too, sometimes. Unless I don't.

Enough of the bad – what about the good? This was obviously a man of great literary principle and integrity. Interestingly, every book listed as a “verified Amazon purchase” was accorded a glowing five-star review while every non-purchased book (i.e. free preview/excerpt) was awarded only one star. I wondered what this was all about – there wasn't any real middle ground – it was all or nothing, superlatives or disdain. And just what gets Michael’s creative juices flowing?

For one thing, some pretty awesome covers. Black bras, wrists wrapped in rope, a woman on her knees who may have been inspecting a man's trousers for lint. And there's nothing wrong with that – lint is an abomination after all. Some pretty tasty titles as well, such as Lesbian Strap-On Role Play, Rock Stars Dirty Groupie, and Bound to be Punished. To be quite fair, it's not all whips and giggles. Michael also awards five (fairly breathless) stars to 10 Natural Beauty Tips, Easiest Bible Memory Verses, and Lustmord: Anatomy of a Serial Butcher.

Book critics are not always known for charity and kindness – that's not their job. James Wood for the New Yorker and Michiko Kakutani for the NY Times aren't likely to suffer sloppy writing gladly. Then again, they're at the top of the literary food chain and get paid to write their reviews. Amazon reader reviewers don't. Or, do they? It's actually a fairly lucrative cottage industry, so says the NY Times – crank out enough of these rave puff pieces and you can make a decent living. And, if the sheer volume of reviews doesn't leave time to actually read the book, what's the harm?

Am I accusing Michael C of shilling for book authors? Naw, I would never do such a thing. And besides, why would somebody dump on every single non-purchase? I'm sure he's not trying to scare writers into buying five-star reviews. And I'm really sure that he wouldn't then offer to delete the negative reviews. Nope. I'm convinced he's just a sweet guy who loves to read and share with others. And I can understand that. Because like Michael C, I'm all about sharing with the world. Peace, brother.